Earlier this week we were stopped by a 14 year old policeman disguised as a Swiss Army Knife and wearing a blue thong over his nose. The Stalag Sir Benfro Stasi were out in force and hiding their PCSO chopper bikes behind a tree.
The meeting went badly! Too much school-boy humour for him and not enough grovelling subservience from me.
“Can you tell me the reason for your journey?”
“Yes.”
“Well.”
With his carefully disguised and muffled talk from the inside of the gusset of his mother’s size 22 panties, I assumed it was a question. “Yes, fine thanks.” Thinking....”well, at least I’m not the one with a pair of knickers on my head.”
“No, I mean what is the purpose of your journey?”
“Oh, sorry. We are on our way home.”
“Can I ask where you have been?”
“Yes.”
Anyway. This went on for a while until I explained that we had been to Neyland Post Office to post a parcel. “We’re returning some wellies that leak to Dunlop.” He seemed disinterested to the point of yawning into the double cotton gusset.
“Is there a reason why you didn’t use the Post Office at Pembroke Dock?”
Oh don’t bloody start this again! “Yes.”
So...eventually, having worked out which questions required an answer other than “yes” “no” “no comment” or “you got me banged to rights rozzer, don’t hit me anymore, I’ll come quietly.” I explained the reason to him. Bloody hell, Line of Duty this ain’t.
Now we’ve been in lockdown since my birthday so it was really nice to have a conversation with some-one other than my wife, dog or five year old child that lives up the road. Well, nice enough but nicer if it had been an adult with a proper grown-up brain and not some-one who had decided to pick his nose through his mum’s M&S scanties.
Taking a deep breath, settling myself sort of sideways in the drivers seat of my car of colour so I could talk out of the window, I started......
“Well, officer, it all started 4 years ago when, having moved into our tiny house, Julia decided to build a fireplace for our eco friendly log burning stove with 2p pieces. We’d seen a video on YouTube when we were bored, drunk and living in Spain and thought that it’d probably be quite nice. So. Mathematically, I worked out the area of the segment of a circle with a 4ft radius, worked out the area of a 2p piece and divided one by the other.
Having checked the maths we headed for Pembroke Dock and the Post office, explained our wishes to a really helpful young assistant and orderered £34.00 of 2p pieces that would have to be ordered from Birmingham and shipped down.
“You can pick them up on Wednesday” and she handed me a receipt and bade me good-day.
Brilliant. 4 days to lay the self levelling screed and form the curved metal edge trim, find a suitable glue and a heat-proof grout. Wednesday brought fear and trepidation. Was my maths right? Had I remembered that pi was 22/7? We drove there and parked excitedly.
The young assistant had been replaced with a genuine Welsh Dragon who spat flames from her nostrils and reeked of a gentle and delicate perfume known locally as “Hellfire and Brimstone” her sulphurous breath wafted in a fine green mist towards me and etched patterns into the Perspex security screen as her black eyes struck me to my very soul. And there’s me thinking that the security screen was for her protection.
The muscles of this huge, pulsing, sweating brick shit-house of a woman trembled and bulged as she smashed the huge, heavy sack of coins onto the counter in front of me. I asked her politely if I could return any unused coins and with equal politeness she told me where to put them. I bade her farewell and she pointed to the door. I missed the first two words but heard the rest.
“.............. and don’t ever come back.”
So that’s why we have to use the Neyland Post Office.”
The person in the junior policeman uniform, available from Amazon and other internet stores, rolled his eyes and nodded wearily. His lips moved and the gusset spoke to me.
“I see.”
“Can I go now officer?”
“Before you do, Could you give me your address?”
“Yes.....”....................
Thus far I have managed to keep out of the way of my local posse. They almost got me once, and it would have been a fair cop as I had been out all night, alone, inside my Ford bubble taking my camera for a much needed breath of fresh air. Before they could say anything from their battle cruiser I rapidly wound my window down and thanked them for what they were doing to keep us all safe, it was 05.00 and I had squeezed in something about Tesco opening shortly. If they had checked ANPR they would have found me all over the area for the preceding 5 hours! Bull**** baffles brains! Great set as ever mate.
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