We’re all going on a summer holiday.

 

That’s it then. Load up the double-decker with insipid, song singing, terylene shirted teenagers and head for the sun.

Really? No chance unless you have a second home in the Algarve, one halfway up Mount Bloody Etna or your name is Stanley Johnson. Apparently, storm clouds are gathering bringing another Covid wave with it.

The Boris holiday Ban comes into force on Monday despite ITV ads for travel agents offering cheap holidays and money-back guarantees. Luckily it means that the normal, great British  public won’t be throwing their pesetas, francs and lire at those nasty Europeans. That’ll teach ‘em to mess with our jabs. 

As of Monday, just in time for Easter, the only way into the great breadbasket of England is in a small rubber dinghy, across the Chanel to Dover. Once here, you can join the other 64000 asylum seekers currently receiving free money from the British taxpayer.

Once on the shingle beach at Dungeness you will be showered with gifts ranging from new Nike trainers and Levi jeans right the way up to a tax payer funded home in the town of your choice. Fine as long as it isn’t in a mothballed army camp outside Tenby but then if you dislike it or think it’s a bit like being back in Beirut, you can complain and they’ll put you in the Bristol Hilton. And that really is like Beirut! Oh, and the £5000 fine? Don’t you worry your silly little illegal immigrant head about that.

For those not willing to abide by these rules, getting out of Britain will be even more difficult though, what with all the airport checks. Perhaps people smugglers bringing “unwanted” ones in could double their money and take the “unwilling” ones out. A sort of round robin. That’ll save us having to fill a small warehouse with rubber boats and cheap Chinese outboard motors.

Never mind eh! There’s still loads of the good old “Un-United”Kingdom for us Brits to explore even if we don’t get the weather. 

And now to the proper news. 

32-30! 

As a friend said. Bollocks! I was so upset I spent the next 5 hours sitting in bed spending a fortune in Amazon, Jessops, Park Cameras, Clifton Cameras and a handy little outdoor shop that sells weapons of mass destruction! Can any one tell me the distance and compass bearing of Paris from Pembroke Dock.

And of course the real-real news that our Armed Forces are to be reduced to three people, a Transit van, a hang-glider, a warehouse full of rubber dinghies, cheap Chinese outboards and a sniffer dog called Ralph. 

Our once great British Army, Navy and Airforce almost driven to extinction by our own politicians. It was bound to happen. When you’ve got drones in Afghanistan controlled by people in Lincolnshire there’s little point in flying halfway around the world to bomb them. 

Just for the record....I don’t agree. Ground troops. That’s what we need!

Gone the days of squeaky-tracked tanks, columns of marching troops and noisy artillery barrages. Wars are to be conducted quietly! Now our fiercest enemies will be sent text messages that will frighten them into submission. I’m reminded of the Monty Python sketches about pointed sticks and killer jokes.

Still, who knows? Perhaps they’re right. After all, if two old Chinese women can invent a deadly, world killing, world changing virus on their Wuhan “bat selling” market stall just think what all our highly intelligent scientists can come up with at Porton Down.

Other news....

New lockdown regulations have just been announced by Dickhead-Drakeford so now the whole of Wales is open to Welsh residents only (well, not the pubs) which is pretty much what Plaid Cymru have been trying to achieve for generations. It means that we are able to travel all the way from Pembrokeshire to Ceredigion on Monday to see the Mother-in-Law. Great. All we need now is for France to beat Scotland with a bonus point and more than a 21 point lead and Wales denied their rightful place at the top of the 6 nations competition and there’ll be another internet-buying spree in Chez Stable Cottage.